Phil Bass, meat scientist

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas in the Kitchen

Strip Roas

‘Twas the day before Christmas, when Dr. Phil had an itchin;
to try something new in his freshly cleaned kitchen.

“Chefs Michael and Ashley and Peter and Tony;
they always cook food, but me? I’m quite lonely.”

Phil Bass, meat scientist

“I’m a meat scientist!” he proclaimed, “cooking’s not what I do;
but if a roast needs a good roasting then that’s just what I’ll do.”

Chef Michael Ollier“How hard could it be,” he asked with a smirk;
“If Chef Ollier can do it, I can surely make it work.”

So he went down to Buehler’s newly renovated store;
“These Christmas shopping crowds,” he said, “I truly abhor.”

“But I’ll find me a roast ‘cause a chef I must be;
I’ll find me a roast to cook this Christmas eve!”

So he grabbed him a cart, made his way past the produce;

“Vegetables?” he said “For you I have no use!”

Next came the tofu, as he passed shook his fist;
If he’d spoken his thoughts, sure thing naughty list.

Then past the bread in the clearing he’d spy;
a black styrofoam tray holding a ribeye!

“That steak is robust and it’s just right for me;
but I need something more to feed my family.”

So onward and upward he went down the case;
finding nothing to suit his unwavering taste.

Chef Tony Biggs

And just when he thought he was out of ideas;
a familiar voice popped into his ears.

“Phil, baby, it’s Big Daddy Biggs. Don’t be in a hurry; whatever you buy, spice it up with some curry.”

Chef Peter RosenbergThen Peter chimed with his accent he spoke;

“And make sure you give it a good bit of smoke.”

Chef Ashley PadoThen a choir of Michael and Ashley did boast;

“What you need, Dr. Phil, is a good strip roast.”

“Ahh the strip,” said Phil. “That would be very nice”;
“It’s a bit like the ribeye but slightly lower in price.
It’s a bit like the tenderloin, but a little more beefy;
and needs no assistance from greens that are leafy.”

So he picked up his roast, put it into his cart;
And said “Time is a wasting, I think I should start.”

On the drive to his house he thought of Chef Tony Biggs;
“I know what he’d do, he’d use rosemary sprigs!”

“And I’ll stud it with garlic, it’ll get much applause;
I might even leave some for old Santa Claus.”

He preheated his oven and with a bit of defiance;
said “I can cook, too, and know my meat science.”

“A dual teaching threat I’m becoming, you see;
just wait til I show this to Chef Ashley.”

Within 90 minutes his creation was done;
his family and friends and his neighbors – everyone

Stopped by to his house for this glorious feast;
“A strip roast!” he said “of Certified Angus Beef ®!”

At each Christmas Eve that’s come on since that day;
Dr. Phil makes his plans to blow guests away.

He’s still not a chef, has no recipe;
he’s merely a man with a meat science degree.

But he knows what is good and he does it up right;
and brings Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!


Published by

Bryan Schaaf

Bryan is a modern-day Hamburglar, minus the mask and kitschy catch phrase. There’s not a burger on the planet he wouldn’t take on — even those token ones for customers with less-adventurous palates. In his spare time, he’s a soccer junkie, musician, husband and father of the most adorable little carnivores this side of Jurassic Park.